That which doesn’t go away, but doesn’t need to hold any power over us

I need to get a bit raw and real about some emotions that go along with running, losing weight, a health journey, etc. I speak broadly about these, but they directly come from my life and my lived experience. Please stick with me through this.

When partaking in a health journey, we are usually doing it because of something. Maybe your doctor told you, maybe there is a potential partner you want to impress and don’t feel ‘enough’, how about you want to play with your kids or participate in a sport more actively. Usually, it is because we want to better ourselves.

The problem is, when people choose to better themselves, there is the devil in the rearview mirror. “Why am I bettering myself? Why am I losing weight? Why am I running.” Do we weigh more than we want to? We can’t keep up with others? What drives many of those feelings and what makes us hone in on the realities of our desire to be better? It might be past trauma.

For me… the teasing, the mockery, these things may not go away. They are ever-present reminders in our brain, reminding us that we are overweight or not enough. We can’t run far or fast enough. Even if we lose the weight, the thoughts and the memories are still there. And it may whisper that word again, ‘enough?’

Maybe it is the memory of fifth grade, coming home and balling on your bed to your mother because of something somebody said to you. In high school, maybe it is the quiet realization that you don’t have the popularity of this one person or the opportunities of the other because people assume things about you due to your weight and physical nature.

Society has placed values all over physical attributes. People assume that finding a partner is correlated with looks and beauty. But more than that, in the corporate world and business world, people assume more beautiful and healthy people are more capable. ‘If they can’t care for themselves how can they care for me and my business?’ I have seen this firsthand.

For me, in grad school, doing research on the health outcomes of sugar-sweetened beverages struck a chord. It was important research and I liked the research, but it constantly reminded me about the reality of my weight. It reminded me of the change I had yet to make and how I was a failure in that regard. That was nothing more than the devil in the rear-view mirror taking something good and full of opportunity and perverting it into something making me question my value.

The devil never leaves. When I lost 65 pounds, I thought I was waving goodbye to the devil. Ha! I beat you, I overcame you. You have no control over me and I love myself for who I am. Further, my desire to better myself comes from love, not hate. But despite thinking that you are overcoming that devil, he may not be gone. I gained a bunch of that weight back and guess who is there again? The devil is there. Mocking, reminding, making me remember my place and the place he thinks I deserve.

I have to acknowledge that the devil will always be there. He will try to make me think I am not enough and I am not worthy to attain the goals I have set for myself. But part of this journey isn’t just about the metrics. It is about recognizing that the devil is what he is. It is evil, does not represent the good, and is lacking recognition of our potential.

I will continue to fight for myself, because despite the devil in the rear-view, I know I am worth the battle. Despite lingering fears and traumas, I know I deserve to step up to that start line. I am worthy to fight for myself because I deserve to fulfil my potential. My worth is not defined by my past traumas and memories. And this is not just for me!

So here is what I suggest to myself and to all of us. Don’t pretend like they are not there. We can acknowledge the existence of these memories, fears, and old haunts. But hold onto the reality of now. We are strong. We are worth the fight. We can conquer the challenge before us. And as you work to attain your goals. As you cook that nutritious meal and consult the medical professionals in your life. As you step up to the starting line and BELONG there with everybody else. When you see the devil trying to hold you back… smile, flip him off, and charge ahead.

When all is said and done, we will always be worth more than what that mirror shows. We are worth it. You are worth it. I am worth it. We can achieve greatness and we can prove the devil, society, and US wrong.

-Ben